


you're not him

by softambrollins



Series: our own private universe [4]
Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Relationships, anti-Triple H
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 06:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21334057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: "I wasn't angry tonight," he confesses. "It's like I wasn't even feeling anything. Like, there wasnothing thereanymore. Nothing to fight for." And he sounds so, so tired. Like a soul-deep weariness. Dean's never heard him sound like that before. He's suddenly very afraid that maybe Seth's slipping away from him again into the darkness. Slipping away from himself.Seth's in a low place and he finally starts dealing with the lingering effects of Triple H's years of manipulation. Dean just really wants to punch him in the face.
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Series: our own private universe [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1468705
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	you're not him

**Author's Note:**

> Post-RAW 04/11/2019.

"Are you okay?" Dean finally asks, sitting next to Seth on the couch, slinging an arm around his shoulders. Seth just instinctively shifts closer to him, leaning his body against Dean's side, head resting gently on his shoulder, but he doesn't say anything for a moment. He's been weird and quiet since he got back from Raw, and Dean knows he's had a rough week, not to mention what he just watched him go through tonight — but usually he's a lot better at putting on a mask to hide how upset he really is. This time, it's like he doesn't even have it in him to do that. Which is worrying.

"Yeah," Seth says after a while. And then, "No. I don't know," shaking his head slightly. Like he doesn't even have the energy to lie.

"Is it Hunter?" Dean asks tersely. "Cole and his boys? I can pay them a visit if you want —"

Seth laughs softly. "No, it's fine. I can deal with that myself. It's just — _everything_, you know. This entire year. It should've been the best year of my career. But now the title's gone. And what do I even have left to show for any of it?"

"Hey, you did a lot, okay? All on your own," Dean tells him firmly. "I know how much it meant to you, but you don't need the title to prove anything to anyone. And I know you're gonna fight with everything you have to get it back. You're gonna do what you have to do. Fuck the fans. And fuck Hunter especially."

"Yeah, maybe…" Seth sighs. "But what would even be the point?"

"Seth…"

"I wasn't angry tonight," he confesses. "It's like I wasn't even feeling anything. Like, there was _nothing there_ anymore. Nothing to fight for." And he sounds so, so tired. Like a soul-deep weariness. Dean's never heard him sound like that before. He's suddenly very afraid that maybe Seth's slipping away from him again into the darkness. Slipping away from himself.

"Seth, you can't let them win," he says urgently. "Can't let _him_ win. Or any of those assholes who doubt you." 

"I think I was tempted, for one moment, to take him up on his offer," Seth murmurs, his voice unsettlingly emotionless. "Because maybe that would be easier. Going back to that. I've been making my own decisions for a long time, and it's just so _hard_ and exhausting sometimes. Like, is it even worth it when you fight so hard to change something and at the end of the day, it's just completely futile?" 

It's surprising to hear from him. Seth's a lot of things, but cynical isn't one of them. He believes in things. Maybe not the typical things. But he believes in hard work, he believes in himself, he even believes in the fans, as shitty as they can be sometimes. Dean fights because that's all he's ever known how to do, but Seth's always fought for something greater. He wants to make a difference, he wants to leave his mark. Maybe that desire led him astray once but it's also led him to becoming the best version of himself. The one who sacrifices everything for what he believes is right, no matter what anyone else thinks. He believed in Dean when he didn't want it or deserve it. He saw the best in him, like he sees the best in everything. But now it's like the world has beaten him down so much that he's been blinded to it. Like it's been burnt out of him.

"You know you can't listen to a word he says," Dean grits out furiously. "He's like a fucking snake in the grass, man. I wish I was there to punch him in the teeth so he'd shut the fuck up." It had made his blood boil, watching Hunter whisper his poisonous words in Seth's ear. Again. And not being able to do anything about it.

"I don't know. It's like, when I think about everything he did to me, I hate him _so much_. But then he's standing there in front of me again and saying all this shit trying to mindfuck me. And even though I _know_ he doesn't mean it, I almost wish he did in some fucked-up way. I used to think he actually cared about me. And I fell for it every single time, like a fool." He lets out an ugly, bitter laugh that doesn't even sound like him. It's the first time he's really talked about this, and Dean understands now how hard it must be to admit how deep his emotional manipulation even went. It's hard for him to even hear it.

Hunter took something from Seth once, something he might never get back. And because of that, he's gonna doubt himself every step of the way for the rest of his life. And that's an unimaginable burden to live with, but it also means that Seth tries harder than anyone to be the best person he can be at all times. Even when it's nearly impossible. But maybe now his struggle has become even worse than he ever thought.

"He knew how to get to you," Dean says, quiet and regretful. "He knew exactly what to say. That's what he does. It wasn't your fault."

"I was so fucking weak and stupid. I still am. There was a part of me that was almost...jealous of Cole. Like, I still want to do what I think will make him _proud_." He says the last word like he's disgusted by the very thought of it. Almost like he's ashamed.

Dean nods sombrely. "I get it. He was an important part of your life for a long time. It's hard to completely break away from that. But that's not you. Not anymore." Dean knows that it's difficult for Seth to not be affected by Hunter's influence even now, but it doesn't mean he doesn't fucking hate everything about it. About him.

"I _chose_ to do those things, though. I'm the one who fucked up, as much as I wanted to blame someone else. And no matter how hard I try now, I just _keep_ making the worst decisions. I keep making mistakes that bring me right back to him. Almost like that was his plan all along. Like he knew I would _fail_ without him," Seth says, voice helpless and wrecked.

"Hey, you're stronger than him, alright?" Dean reassures him. "You've always been. He's the weak one. All he knows is how to use and manipulate people. He's a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. You're everything he's not."

"Maybe I'm no better than he is. Just another fucking liar. How many times have I lied to _you_?" he says, all choked up, and he closes his eyes like he can't bear to look at him anymore, head lowered, cheek pressed into Dean's chest.

"_Hey_," Dean says imploringly, and when he doesn't respond, he moves his hand to gently rest it against Seth's face, coaxing his chin up so that he meets his gaze again."You're not anything like him. I promise you. You're not him."

"I just feel so — _alone_ sometimes," he says, eyes wide and brimming. "Like I'm becoming someone I don't want to be. Or maybe it's just who I was all along slowly being revealed."

"You're _not_ alone, okay?" Dean tells him earnestly. "I'm right here. And I know who you are even when you don't. And I'll be more than happy to personally tell Hunter to fuck off, probably without the use of any words at all." 

That finally gets a real smile out of him. He wipes some stray tears away, then takes a deep breath, composing himself. "No, you were right," he says, nodding at him. "I have to deal with this on my own. And you have enough on your plate already."

"You made the right decision," Dean promises him. "You don't need him. You never did."

"Yeah, you're right," Seth says slowly, nodding again like he's trying his hardest to make himself believe that. "I don't need anyone or anything else to be _me_. I just need you. That's all."

Seth tucks his head under Dean's chin, settles down right there against him, eyes falling shut. He still looks tired, but the expression on his face is much less troubled and more content than before. Dean wraps his arm tighter around his body, holding him close to him, and presses a kiss to his temple.

"Tell him if he tries to fuck with you again, he'll have to answer to me," he says, voice rough. "And that pretty much goes for everyone."

"Okay," Seth agrees, soft and breathy, before he drifts off into a sound and peaceful sleep, probably the best he's had in a long time, right there in Dean's arms.


End file.
